Evidence of Christ in Us
9/11/13 - Prayer Journal Entry
"I end up here time and time again. Shutting down, balling up, not resting in You. I don't know how it happens, but when it does I find I feel like I've lost my way and I don't know how to get back. I feel like it should be so simple because it is where I truly belong. Yet here I am, stressed and exhausted, feeling like I have failed every test with my girls and my husband, every ugly reaction shining like neon. Where is the Jesus who lives in me? I don't see evidence of Him except in the regret over what I have done. I see though that I am regretful but NOT repentful, at least not in the fullness I should be. God, please forgive me for not honoring the people you have entrusted into my care and forgive me for trying to change in my own strength. I want to be that cup that is overflowing. Help me to see the table that you have laid before me. The enemy may not have me afraid but they do attempt to keep me blind to all that I am and all that You are and all that You have for me. Give me eyes to see. Unlock the revelations of heaven for me so I can walk in truth and spiritual understanding so I can be the be the overcomer You designed me to be. 'You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you have anointed my head with oil; my cup overflows.' Psalm 23:5"
Just last night, as I was laying in bed, God, in His usual warm and gentle manner, made me particularly aware of how I was overflowing with Jesus that day. In the quiet and the rest of the minutes before sleep I felt my heart overflowing with delight as I thought about my husband and my children and my many genuine and amazing friends. I felt overwhelming gratefulness for my home and the life He has given me. I had given Him my early morning hours that day and before I started my usual routine He had asked me to serve my husband, to just focus on serving him and not busy myself with many things at the same time as I normally would do. As I was pouring the water for his coffee and preparing his breakfast without trying to fill the littles gaps of time with other chores, I found myself naturally wanting to fill that time with blessing him and praying for him. A typical morning is filled with the busyness of multitasking morning chores in my haphazard manner, but that morning my heart was full of compassion and love for my husband. And as my children woke and came out of their rooms in their sleepy state, I found my heart oozing with affections for them, wanting to talk with them, to serve them and snuggle them. My heart could have burst! It wasn't something I had to do. I wanted to invest in them. I felt myself pouring out but not emptying, much like a cup overflowing...
His kindness overwhelmed me as this morning he led me to pick up a journal I haven't looked at in years and I opened directly to this entry and read it. I had asked for the very thing that He was helping me to walk into that morning and He was showing me that He was faithful to answer. And it was his kindness that had led me to repentance over and over again, helping me day after day, week after week, month after month to be able to carry His love better and more deeply and walking in greater freedom.
By no means am I perfect. Even that same day I had become irritable and unkind towards my babies when I felt out of control, but He again led me to repentance, helping me to realize I had stepped out of His presence. I'm learning to be okay with not being perfect. I don't need to be. It's His perfection that changes me and brings me closer to His heart and His perspective, not anything I accomplish in and of myself, and His heart and perspective changes everything! See, there is always a feast set before us in the midst of our enemies. We need only to have the eyes of our heart enlightened to see and enjoy what he has given us.